headache after headache after headache after headache


Tony said:
First thank you for telling me some good things about marriage, which originally is what this thread was tryin' to
find out.

Secondly, "this watering the plant thing" this must be the mistake millions of people make. Now is this the only mistake or all there other things
taking these marriages out?

Oh and we read all the time about the uGly side of marriage,
and I know you 're married..I think you're STILL married...hard to tell from your post sometimes, but
do you feel personally that it's worth the risk?
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Most DEFINITELY worth the risk! It's love! You can't be timid with love. When you've found the person who feels the same way as you do, go hard. Why hold back when you've found someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with.
Could the marriage fail on the down the road? Yes, it's possible-- if you allow it. It's also possible that the marriage will good, healthy, loving and strong and give you more good days than bad.
Life is about choices, even in marriage. Divorce doesn't mean the end of the world. What's the saying: I would rather to have love and lost, then to never have loved at all??? Life is a journey; it's not always going to be sugary sweet.
 
XHALE9802 said:
I can respect the fear of it, because I have it, look at the statistics...i have a right to be, and so do they.
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Just my $19.13 - I don't respect fear (or fearful people & I used to be one.) Fear torments. It causes people to be paralzyed to the point where if they do get up enough nerve to "venture in" to marriage, they normally end up "doing nothing" in it in a lot of cases/situations (because of f-e-a-r; so they seldom GROW.) Joyce Meyer had a message, "Do it afraid." You can't move forward in anything if fear has you on lock down.
 



Tony said:
I thinks that's one of the problems,
People gettin' married just cause they want to.

And from what crit is posting


SHe's saying I should not only marry somebody that's doing it right today.

But I have to think about if they'll STILL be doing it right
years & years from NOW....wow!!
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What I'm saying is that marriage takes work from BOTH people.
 
jsupop33 said:
I will, it is inevitable. I want to be able to share my life with someone and raise kids one day. Sometimes it is good to have a person their to support you and vica versa. I can honestly say that if it was not for my current girlfriend, I probably wouldn't be in DC right now or doing what I am doing now.

You know last summer when Gas hit $4 a gallon and food went up, it got real rough for me. My air mattress busted and I couldn't afford to buy a bed so I slept on the floor for a month or two. She flew down, slept on the floor with me a few times and never complained. I feel like she deserves at least a chance for us to try and make it to that level...
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Pops,

Those two highlighted parts jump out at me. Now let me preface this by saying this is what seems to be the case with you and your chica. I could be dead wrong, but this is how I interpreted it.

First of all, marriage is not inevitable. It's a choice that both parties make together. If you not ready then don't do it. To say it is inevitable is to say you feel pressured into one day being married. And that's normal....I know a lot of guys who got married for this reason, and the relationship is not very pretty right now. Some of them have kids and nice houses and financial freedom, but their relationship with each other is hemorrhaging (sp?). I'd hate to be stuck in a marriage like that. Man, I was dating this one girl for two years, we moved in together, and one day I just told her she had to go, because I started feeling like the marriage was "inevitable", and we had gone as far we could go as a couple w/o nuptials, and I didn't want marriage.........with her, at least. It wasn't easy, but it was for the best.

As for the part in blue, it seems as if you would marry her just to "throw her a bone" (Que pun not intended, lol). Yeah, maybe she is a girl who deserves marriage, the husband and the whole nine, but if your heart's not in it, and you still marry her, then you are doing her a disservice. If you marry her as a reward for good behavior and you not ready........now that's something she doesn't deserve. Yeah, you may love her and appreciate her, but if you are not ready to commit, that's when you become the statistic that you see and hear about on the regular. The devil will prey on you in ways you couldn't imagine. And if you are not fully commited to your spouse, then it's a wrap. My ex- was with me through some hard financial times, too.......but I wasn't ready. She was, but I wasn't and that's all that mattered. Now, maybe she can find someone who will be more than willing to commit to her- now that is what she deserves.
 
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LS Syndicate said:
Yeah, maybe she is a girl who deserves marriage, the husband and the whole nine, but if your heart's not in it, and you still marry her, then you are doing her a disservice. If you marry her as a reward for good behavior and you not ready........now that's something she doesn't deserve. Yeah, you may love her and appreciate her, but if you are not ready to commit, that's when you become the statistic that you see and hear about on the regular.
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:tup: I agree!
 
Fortitude said:
Just my $19.13 - I don't respect fear (or fearful people & I used to be one.) Fear torments. It causes people to be paralzyed to the point where if they do get up enough nerve to "venture in" to marriage, they normally end up "doing nothing" in it in a lot of cases/situations (because of f-e-a-r; so they seldom GROW.) Joyce Meyer had a message, "Do it afraid." You can't move forward in anything if fear has you on lock down.
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I'm saying because I am fearful of it, I can respect others who are fearful of it also. In other words, I can respect a person's opinion about having fears about marriage. Never said that I(speaking only for me) would not push pass the fear and "venture in" with the right person. I am a risk taker by spirit, but I am not dishonest about being fearful. I believe in acknowledging what is real about my feelings so they wont hold me back, so I can move forward, in whatever I do, not just about marriage. Bottom line, I can respect someone if they have the feeling because it is a feeling I have, so I can relate.
 
XHALE9802 said:
I don't agree with that. as a single woman never been married seeing every other marriage lead into divorce, you can't help but be discouraged. I can understand why some men can be discouraged also, and if they are ones who truly want to be married, I don't think its doing any woman a favor, and vice versa. There are women out there who are equally discouraged and fearful about taking that step. If they really want to be married one day, I don't want anyone, male or female continuing to feel that way. I can respect the fear of it, because I have it, look at the statistics...i have a right to be, and so do they.
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Oh I completely understand!! :nod: I was really referring to the redundancy of this topic by some of the same posters. :nod: :lol:
 
yvette23 said:
Oh I completely understand!! :nod: I was really referring to the redundancy of this topic by some of the same posters. :nod: :lol:
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oh ok, i get it now. :lol: but yeah, I don't want guys, women, or myself to remain fearful, that's why I was like nooooo they shouldn't continue to be, don't say that! :lol:
 
XHALE9802 said:
I'm saying because I am fearful of it, I can respect others who are fearful of it also. In other words, I can respect a person's opinion about having fears about marriage. Never said that I(speaking only for me) would not push pass the fear and "venture in" with the right person. I am a risk taker by spirit, but I am not dishonest about being fearful. I believe in acknowledging what is real about my feelings so they wont hold me back, so I can move forward, in whatever I do, not just about marriage. Bottom line, I can respect someone if they have the feeling because it is a feeling I have, so I can relate.
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Cool beans! ;)
XHALE9802 said:
oh ok, i get it now. :lol: but yeah, I don't want guys, women, or myself to remain fearful, that's why I was like nooooo they shouldn't continue to be, don't say that! :lol:
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:tup:
 
XHALE9802 said:
oh ok, i get it now. :lol: but yeah, I don't want guys, women, or myself to remain fearful, that's why I was like nooooo they shouldn't continue to be, don't say that! :lol:
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My bad. :emlaugh: But seriously, I don't want folks to remain fearful as well. Even as a newlywed, I have my moments as well- especially when I hear/read stories.....or everytime I get word that couples I know personally are now divorced or in the process of getting one. :smh: It can be VERY discouraging!! :( But I just simply pray for them, pray that NOTHING will ever come between me and mines, and continue to look towards my parents as an example.....well, at least until my mom decides to smother my dad in his sleep. :lol: j/k
 
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yvette23 said:
My bad. :emlaugh: But seriously, I don't want folks to remain fearful as well. Even as a newlywed, I have my moments as well- especially when I hear/read stories.....or everytime I get word that couples I know personally are now divorced or in the process of getting one. :smh: It can be VERY discouraging!! :( But I just simply pray for them, pray that NOTHING will ever come between me and mines, and continue to look towards my parents as an example.....well, at least until my mom decides to smother my dad in his sleep. :lol: j/k
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thats really all you can do. I try to look to you and Snake, my brother who's been married since 96 and my bff/crabsis and crabbro whos been married since 02. yall are truly the inspiration that keeps me positive. :) :tup: my thing is I don't wanna just get married, I wanna stay married. :lecture: Like dude said in "Love Jones"(the one who separated from his wife for a while)...."Everybody runnin round here fallin in love, fallin in love aint shit, could someone please talk to me about how to stay there." :clap::clap::clap::clap:
 
I feel divorce normally occurs because:

1. It is an option between the 2 individuals. I know some people who've married & (both) have agreed, "Divorce is NOT an option for us. We both will work to have a GOOD marriage." <--- They're STILL married. Marriage is not about love only - it is a COMMITMENT and in this case these people don't just want a "marriage," they're committed to a GOOD marriage - which requires both of them to put in "sweat equity" even if they'd otherwise not want to.

2. One or both individuals in the marriage simply gives up (because of frustration/unfulfilled expectations/tired of being the only one trying/or what ever.) It's easier to give up instead of WORK at it... which somehow ends up back at selfishness.
 
LS Syndicate said:
For some reason, all the horror stories never made me fear or second-guess marriage.........
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That's mainly because you grew up knowing a different side of those "horror stories!" Some people grew up in homes where they witnessed their parents go through martial problems, but also saw them overcome the bullshat! :nod: This goes a long way in an individual's perception of marriage. And for (some), this was the needed motivation for them to kick it in the next gear and keep striving in a marriage knowing that things can get better if you try hard enough! :nod:

On the other hand, some people are emotionally devastated when disaster first strikes and don't have the motivation to continue forth! It all depends on that person's perception of reality about marriage! Some of the horror stories are indeed true, but there are also fairy tales that are true too. It's up for that individual to have the knowledge and commitment to move past those "speed bumps" to achieve marital bliss.

Most people don't want to make the same mistakes their parents made, but we can't deny that what we witnessed from our parents has a huge affect on our thought process about marriage and a lot of other things in life.
 



Fortitude said:
I feel divorce normally occurs because:

1. It is an option between the 2 individuals. I know some people who've married & (both) have agreed, "Divorce is NOT an option for us. We both will work to have a GOOD marriage." <--- They're STILL married. Marriage is not about love only - it is a COMMITMENT and in this case these people don't just want a "marriage," they're committed to a GOOD marriage - which requires both of them to put in "sweat equity" even if they'd otherwise not want to.

2. One or both individuals in the marriage simply gives up (because of frustration/unfulfilled expectations/tired of being the only one trying/or what ever.) It's easier to give up instead of WORK at it... which somehow ends up back at selfishness.
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"sweat equity"

like when you build a habitat house?
 
Well I know I ain't wearing these to the wedding!!

christina-milian-and-the-dream.jpg
 
If you think you know yourself, get married. It will really show YOU, who YOU are...It will either confirm some beliefs about yourself or dismantle some myoptic views....

With the right people together, the two should enhance each other's lives, not tear each other down.
 
buckwheat1911 said:
1. Companionship.

2. Romance.

3. Household support.

4. Family.

5. Financial security.
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Marriage is just something that you really are gonna just have to WANT. I know some dudes who would LOVE to be married but I am of the opinion that women are the ones who get the most out of it. If one was to break down those five things, you will see why marriage to some is like :noidea: None of these things really deal with LOVE...marriage can be defined as many things (Prison, business arrangement, etc...) but you better have some love somewhere in there.

Compainionship: now THIS was the least thing I needed and most men don't really need this. I had WAY more companionship before I got married...many more things to do, etc....


Romance: ummm, you don't need marriage for that. Some of my best romance was with a one night stand... :lol:

Household support: Now this is where it gets real. I don't have any kids but for my friends, this seems to be the main reason they get married. Ladies, get preggers by one of my boyz and they will marry you. Women, especially if they are primary caregivers, would love to just have some "help". But this one has nothing to do with love...just convenience.

Family: Depends on how you define that. Some men with a child or two don't want any more kids, already have baby mama drama and a girlfriend he has to keep happy in the midst of it all. At least at the end of the day, he can find solace in sending the girlfriend HOME!

Financialy Security: This works IF you find a woman who is good with money and makes money. Dudes are typically either good with money or bad with money. Females are typically just "aiight' when to comes to math (money). But this STILL has nothing to do with love.

So why get married? :noidea: Betta be for LOVE! All that other schitt, you can do single.
 
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MsJag4Jag said:
If you think you know yourself, get married. It will really show YOU, who YOU are...It will either confirm some beliefs about yourself or dismantle some myoptic views....

With the right people together, the two should enhance each other's lives, not tear each other down.
Click to expand...

It really has nothing to do with you...it's finding the right person for you.
 
Bottom line, marriage is the ultimate goal for MOST folks. Most people want to grow old with a mate and have someone to share their lives with and create a family with....BUT, we all know there is a way out, should it not work....DIVORCE!!!!

Me personally, I never got married with the intentions of divorce...in fact, I was quite against it and adamant about NOT getting divorced...but after trying to fight for something that was doomed before it started was worthless to me. It takes two to make a marriage work and you can't change a person. I had to learn to accept that brother for who he was, therefore I chose to let him be free and do HIM.

Also it's hard as hell to live with a person...they have to deal w/you and all your habits and you have to deal with them and all theirs...that's not an easy thing for grown folks to do. People need to truly make sure they're ready for marriage and KNOW their mates, as much as possible before committing to them.

Marriage can be a wonderful experience, but you must have the right one that's on the same accord as you. If not, you can hang it up....folks now-a-days are NOT patient...we want what we want, when we want it. If it works fine, if it doesn't there's always divorce. Then folks like my brother will just keep at it until he gets it right....:emlaugh:

There's nothing wrong with being single, alone, by yourself, etc...when people start loving themselves and get some self-esteem, they'll realize this and won't rush into marriage just to say they have a husband or a wife. Someone mentioned image earlier and really that's what it's all about for most folks. They simply marry and remain married for the wrong reason.

I choose to live my life more abundantly by myself, until the right man comes along.

AMEN, walls!!!!!!!!! :nod:
 
coldsweat said:
That's mainly because you grew up knowing a different side of those "horror stories!" Some people grew up in homes where they witnessed their parents go through martial problems, but also saw them overcome the bullshat!
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How do you know how I grew up? You didn't meet me til I was 21 LOL! That is definitely not the case with my home life. I grew up in a home that gave me every reason NOT to be married.
 
Warndalyn said:
Bottom line, marriage is the ultimate goal for MOST folks. Most people want to grow old with a mate and have someone to share their lives with and create a family with....BUT, we all know there is a way out, should it not work....DIVORCE!!!!


Also it's hard as hell to live with a person...they have to deal w/you and all your habits and you have to deal with them and all theirs...that's not an easy thing for grown folks to do. People need to truly make sure they're ready for marriage and KNOW their mates, as much as possible before committing to them.

Marriage can be a wonderful experience, but you must have the right one that's on the same accord as you. If not, you can hang it up....folks now-a-days are NOT patient...we want what we want, when we want it. If it works fine, if it doesn't there's always divorce. Then folks like my brother will just keep at it until he gets it right....:emlaugh:

There's nothing wrong with being single, alone, by yourself, etc...when people start loving themselves and get some self-esteem, they'll realize this and won't rush into marriage just to say they have a husband or a wife. Someone mentioned image earlier and really that's what it's all about for most folks. They simply marry and remain married for the wrong reason.

I choose to live my life more abundantly by myself, until the right man comes along.

AMEN, walls!!!!!!!!! :nod:
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:tup:
Living together, especially if you didn't do it before marriage, can be HARD. HARD!
 
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